Beag (11/11/2008)
Creek (4/20/2007)
Doris (12/1/2006)
Odie (3/1/2004)
Spunky

This is a place where you can submit your questions to the Brewer for advice, hence the name Advice from the Brewer.

Question 5:

Dear Brewer: Predator 1 and 2 are on, but both at the same time.
What do I do?



Dear WDID: In answer to this question many would give you some pretty obvious advice – record one while you watch the other. But here at Black Husky Brewing, we take a more measured and thoughtful approach. We always take an analytical, data driven approach to decisions like this because the numbers never lie.

So let’s look at the two movies. Predator 1 - Arnold in the jungle with a bunch of misfits and highly skilled commandos doing something, I forget what. Co-stars are Jesse Ventura and Apollo Creed. Predator 2 - Danny Glover going through a storage facility with a bunch of undercover special ops guys. Co-stars with famous crazy white guy with bad teeth whose name I can’t remember that always plays a special ops guy (Wiki says Gary Busey).

So the numbers are like this:
1. Stars where you only need the first name: Predator 1 = 1, Predator 2 = 0. (If I had said Danny would you know if I meant Danny Glover or Danny DeVito?)
2. Co-stars that have names you can remember: Predator 1 = 2, Predator 2 = 0.
3. Actors who have had political careers: Predator 1 = 3, Predator 2 = 0.

So the results are in:
Predator 1 shuts out Predator 2. As Nick Bakay of the Angry Beavers and Just Livin’ the Dream says, “It’s so easy when you go by the numbers.”

Question 4:

Dear Brewer: I am young, although of legal age, and I am looking to improve my love life. I recently heard an old song by Dr. Hook called “Love You A Little Bit More” and it seemed like it had some interesting concepts. Can you let me know if this is the right path to pursue?
Looking for a good approach to love making.

Dear LFAGATLM: Thanks for your letter. This is just wrong in so many ways. Let’s analyze the song piece by piece.

“Come on over here and lay by my side
I've got to be touchin' you
Let me rub your tired shoulders
The way I used to do”

Ok. That seems fairly innocent although I am pretty sure I know where this is heading.

“Look into my eyes and give me that smile
The one that always turns me on”

Uh, nothing too terrible although it seems a little unimaginative, but there’s nothing wrong with using the old “tried and true” approach.

“And let me take your hair down
'Cause we're stayin' up to greet the sun”

What’s this WE shit? You may be staying up to greet the sun but we’re gonna do this and then I’m getting some shut eye. I got stuff to do tomorrow!

“And when your body's had enough of me
And I'm layin' flat out on the floor
When you think I've loved you all I can
I'm gonna love you a little bit more”

WHAT? First of all, we’ve got a bed and we should try to avoid the floor. It’s hard and has dog hair on it. Second “when your body’s had enough of me... I’m gonna love you a little bit more” - I’m not sure that’s legal. Whatever happened to “no means no” or in this case “no more?” What do you think? Your lover is under-achieving? Just not dedicated to the cause? Not truly committed to this endeavor? Maybe if you weren’t such a crappy lover you wouldn’t have to threaten your lover. I’m not even sure this is safe! This may fit under the category “too much of a good thing.” (Maybe this is what they were thinking with the song “Love Hurts.”)

Besides, would you take advice from this man?



Other Dr. Hook songs – “She Was Only Sixteen” and “Mamma’s Got A Squeeze Box”
Really?

Here is some advice – don’t rely on songs for loving-making tips. Here are a few good reasons:
1. Muskrat Love
2. Afternoon Delight
3. Having My Baby (No, I did not make that up; this really was a song.)
4. Three Times A Lady (I have no idea what that means or where it’s going and if I do I don’t think you should be singing about it in public.)
5. I Honestly Love You (Ok – whatever; let’s get it on, we’re wasting time talking.)

Do you have some love songs that you think are crappy? (and not 40 years old?). Submit your crappiest love songs list to blackhuskybrewing@wildblue.net and become eligible for fabulous prizes.

Question 3:

Dear Brewer: This is really for Howler. I am an undersized wiener ---dog with bad feet and I am hoping to become a celebrity like you. Can you give me some advice? I want to be a dog model. I sent you a picture that kind of reminds me of my human hero, David Hasselhoff. I simply love the Hoffer. Do you think this will work? I also have some fancy dance steps I like to call the Otto Shuffle.
Helping out an undersized wiener ---dog.



Dear HOAUW ---d: The first time I saw you I told your owner "Wow! that is one huge red wiener ---dog," so I don’t think you’re undersized. Here is what Howler said. "Otto, I think you’re on the right track but the Hoffer is only huge In Germany – not so much here. That is a very sexy picture and I am not hitting on you. I have seen the Otto Shuffle and it may work. Try getting on 'So You Think You Have Talent.' I believe the Hoffer is a judge so you could meet your hero and maybe get the exposure you’re looking for. In the meantime try to get your owner to brew a beer and name it after you. Everybody loves a beer named after a dog.”

Question 2:

Dear Brewer: My wife and I can’t decide on the color of paint for the kitchen. I want to go with something bold and explosive, kind of neon green, and she wants something more conservative and traditional, like eggshell. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this but once it’s painted I don’t want to do it again and tear everything apart. What’s your advice?
Need your help so I don’t have to paint twice.

Dear NYHSIDHTPT: Toni and I have been married 29 years so I think I can speak with some authority here. Generally, when we have a disagreement we stop and leave it alone and come back to our issue later when we’ve calmed down a bit so we can discuss our differences intelligently, rationally and maybe come up with a solution we can both agree on, or at least that we both don’t hate.

This is very old school and would be the conventional method of solving this issue – pretty straightforward, eh? Well lately I have seen a different approach being used and I like to call it the "diversionary approach." When someone brings up an issue contrary to yours, bring up something totally unrelated and accuse them of doing something that is considered socially intolerable – like killing babies. And the louder you can be the better.

So, I would like you to bring up the subject again and when she starts telling you why eggshell is better, start yelling at her that she is a fat, worthless Nazi and eggshell paint is really her secret agenda to kill Grandma. Let me know how it works.

Question 1:

Dear Brewer: I am trying to decide on what kind of hat I should wear. Now given your beautifully shaped and freakishly large head, I figured you would have an opinion on this. What should I do?
Need help to cover my noggin.

Dear NHTCMN: You’ve come to the right source. I take my headwear quite seriously, especially in the winter. I have tried many different styles and really think the stocking cap is the way to go. But I have included several different options below with pros and cons outlined.

Necktie:
Pro – It’s very stylish and is less restricting when worn in the traditional fashion under the head.
Con – It doesn’t keep you warm or prevent sunburn.

Glove Hat:
Pro – It makes you look years younger by taking all those wrinkles out – like a face lift.

Con – It’s nearly impossible to remove.

Viking Helmet:
Pro – Stylish and not human specific.
Con – Very hot in the summer and its weight can cause neck problems. It also may intimidate people so you need to be careful where you wear it. No, to funerals; Yes to review time with your boss or meetings with HR.

Tiara:
Pro – None.
Con – What the hell is this picture doing in here?

For more invaluable advice, e-mail your questions to:

blackhuskybrewing@wildblue.net